I feel rotten today! Overwhelmed, my mind is on a go slow. I know it is a complete contrary of how I felt yesterday, but that is how I feel. My mind is tired, my heart is exhausted and I just want to vegetate. There are a lot of things that I planned to push this January and right now all I want is to go away; run far far away.
I want a hug, a prayer and a place to lay my head! I am fighting tears at my desk. I don’t want intelligent answers or insight or scripture of encouragement. I just want to breathe. I know this is the time to pray to God to ask for his strength. But the truth is I don’t want to ask for His strength, I just want Him to hold my hand and carry me. That’s all I want. I know it is not much to ask. Jesus, carry me. I am mentally, emotionally and I think even spiritually tired. I can’t seem to pray much anymore.
It’s times like these that jumping back to past addictions seems appealing. Because I can’t nurse the pain. Now I feel like calling up the emotional cushion (guy pal) or just stuff myself with food. I know now that all that is not worth it. But I am in so much agony right now all I feel like doing is grinding my teeth as I pray to God to change this thought pattern right now.
Transformation is a beautiful thing. I think of diamonds; they are tough minerals, but with a single blow they can be disintegrated into smaller more beautiful pieces. I feel like I am at that phase. It’s painful but necessary. I feel like running away. Even if I roll off of the blowing table, I’ll still be caught and taken through the process, to be chipped into shape. And finally graced on a beautiful hand and treasured for a life time.
I want a shoulder to cry on right now. Jesus, take it, take it now! That’s all I ask. That’s….all I ask of you Jesus!
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